The Ethics of Apologies
This article originally appeared on Businessweek.com on June 21, 2010. It was reprinted with the expressed permission of Dr. Weinstein. The Dr. Weinstein now offers this article in the greater context of our discussion about Shirley Sherrod’s wrongful termination.
These few simple rules will help you give apologies meaningfully and accept them gracefully
Every day, it seems, we learn of an apology from a prominent executive, celebrity, or political figure in response to an indiscretion of some sort. Those in the public eye have an unfortunate tendency to apologize only after they have been found with a hand in the cookie jar. When this happens, it is only natural for a skeptical (or cynical) public to wonder, “Are they apologizing for their conduct, or simply because they were caught?”
To make matters worse, the wrongdoer will often use the passive voice in his or her apology: “Mistakes were made,” rather than “I made a mistake.” It is more comfortable to use the passive voice here, but doing so relinquishes any sense of personal responsibility. It is a non-apology and is not very meaningful.
Of course, it’s not just those in the public eye who readily offer an insincere “I’m sorry.” You probably have at least one such person in your life. It may be the person working for you who spends too much time making personal phone calls or surfing the Web while at the office. Perhaps it is a friend who consistently cancels lunch dates at the last minute. Maybe you even find yourself offering apologies more than you should. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the need for the apology, and whether you need to make one or feel you deserve one, the following questions arise:
• What makes an apology meaningful?
• Does apologizing make us look weak?
• How should you respond if you can’t avoid repeating the mistake?
• What may we rightfully expect from someone who apologizes to us?
To answer these questions, it will be helpful to keep two ethical principles in mind: “Be Fair” (what I have called Life Principle No. 4) and “Be Loving” (or Life Principle No. 5). Recall that fairness or justice requires, among other things, that the punishment should fit the crime, and some forms of wrongful conduct are so serious that a mere “I’m sorry” isn’t enough of a response. To be loving and compassionate in our professional and personal lives calls upon a different set of skills: We should do what we can to honor a person’s sincere apology, even though our anger pulls us in the opposite direction.
With these two principles in mind, I propose the following guidelines for giving and accepting apologies:
When You Owe an Apology
• Admit your mistake quickly and take personal responsibility for it. Don’t say “We made a mistake” when you mean “I made a mistake.”
• Apologize first to the person you have wronged. That is the person who matters most.
• Speak from the heart. An insincere apology is as bad as no apology at all. People can tell when you really mean it, even if you think you’re a good actor and can fool everyone.
• Realize that “sorry” is just a word. For that word to be meaningful, you must do your level best to avoid repeating the mistake. This means coming up with a strategy and sticking to it.
• Understand that a meaningful apology is a sign of integrity, not weakness. Anyone can blame others, or deny that he or she did anything wrong, or lie about what really happened. Only a strong, self-possessed person can own up to their mistakes, and only such a person commands true respect.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you can’t do something well on your own, invite others to work with you on the problem. If the problem is beyond your grasp, consider asking someone else to take it on, if it is appropriate for you to do so.
When You Are Owed an Apology
• If someone has done something wrong and apologizes to you, accept the apology graciously. However…
• You are also justified in expecting the person to avoid repeating the behavior that required an apology in the first place.
• Depending on the situation, you might need to make clear to the other person what the consequences will be if he or she makes the mistake again.
• “Three strikes and you’re out” is fine for baseball, but in other areas, it may take only one strike for someone to be justifiably banished from being a player. Some mistakes are so serious that you should not grant a second chance. For relatively minor slipups, however, or if the task at hand is unusually difficult, it might be unfair not to allow more than three opportunities to get it right.
• If the apologist continues making the same mistake over and over, you may have to say, perhaps regrettably, “I can’t in good conscience give you another opportunity to slip up,” no matter how much that person continues to apologize.
The 1970 film Love Story featured the memorable line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Even if this were true, there are many other areas where we do have to say we’re sorry—and mean it. The challenge for all of us is to admit we’ve made a mistake, to do our best to ensure that we don’t do it again, and to forgive others who sincerely regret their own poor judgment. No one is perfect, but most of us do have the capacity to right our own wrongs and to accept the imperfections in others.
Bruce@TheEthicsGuy.com Bruce Weinstein, Ph.D. is the corporate consultant, author, and public speaker known as The Ethics Guy. He has appeared on numerous national television shows and is the author of several books on ethics. His “Ask the Ethics Guy!” appears every other week on businessweek.com/managing/.
When Tragedy Strikes, How Can You Help?
In light of the West Virginia coal mine tragedy, you may find yourself asking, “How can I help?” This question is especially hard to answer when misfortune hits close to home. Well, I’ve discovered a Web site that helps not only those in need but also the people who want to be of service in some way. It’s called LotsaHelpingHands, and here’s an example of how it works.
Recently, a friend of mine-I’ll call her Sally–was overwhelmed with caring for her husband who was dying of cancer, and when I asked her, “How can I help?,” she told me about this site. It took very little time to set up a private, secure online community of friends who could make Sally’s life a little bit easier.
A calendar on the site allowed us to schedule blocks of time for relieving Sally of the arduous task of being an around-the-clock caregiver at home. The site, which is free, also makes it simple for members of the group to communicate with one another. In Sally’s case, this was especially helpful, since most of us didn’t know everyone in the community.
If you’d like to raise money for those in need, LotsaHelpingHands.com makes this a breeze. Regarding Sally, it was clear that she was emotionally and physically exhausted and could use something that was just for her. We thought some spa treatments might be just the thing.
(Before you dismiss these as a luxury for someone facing the death of a spouse, bear in mind that this was not something she asked for, but something we wanted to do to remind Sally that she occasionally needed to make time for herself and to have an identity beyond that of caregiver.)
In no time flat, we came up with more than $1,000 to get her a gift card for a tony spa in town, which she has used for a series of treatments and visits. As Sally’s friends, we were devastated about what was happening to Sally and her husband, and we were powerless to do anything about it, but we were grateful to be able to ease her suffering even in a small, temporary way. It was because of LotsaHelpingHands.com that we were able to do this so quickly.
Two important notes: 1) I have no stake in this Web site, financial or otherwise; I just want to let as many people know about it as possible. 2) If you do some fundraising through it and use PayPal as I did, please make sure that the vendor you contract with can accept money via PayPal. (There are ways around it, such as purchasing credit card gift cards, however.)
George Carlin rightly took issue with people who tell the bereaved, “If there’s anything I can do, ANYTHING at all, PLEASE don’t hesitate to ask.” Who is going to take someone up on such a vague offer? I was fortunate that Sally had an answer at the ready to the question, “How can I help?”
The next time you’re in a similar situation, why not use a Web site like LotsaHelpingHands to create a community of friends, co-workers, and loved ones who can actually do something, not merely talk about it? (Space prohibits me from discussing the thorny ethical issues that arise when one mixes the professional and the personal, but suffice it to say that managers who organize a community of helpers on behalf of a co-worker should respect the decision of others not to participate.)
Words of solace are good. Actions that bring solace are much better.
Dr. Bruce Weinstein is the public speaker and corporate consultant known as The Ethics Guy. His new book, Is It Still Cheating If I Don’t Get Caught?, (Macmillan/Roaring Brook Press) shows teens how to solve the ethical dilemmas they face. For more information, visit TheEthicsGuy.com.
This article originally appeared on Businessweek.com on April 8, 2010. It was reprinted with the expressed permission of Dr. Weinstein.
Are You a Good Leader?
You will be if you draw on key ethical principles. Here’s how to do it, whether you’re a CEO, a banker, an entrepreneur, or anyone else in business
“Never underestimate the other guy’s greed.” This isn’t just a classic line from the 1983 Brian De Palma film, Scarface (written by Oliver Stone). It also reflects the attitude that has caused the economic disaster we’re now clawing ourselves out of.
Isn’t it time for a new way of thinking?
I propose the following leadership guidelines for C-level executives, investment bankers, entrepreneurs, and everyone else whose decisions can affect the financial well being of other people.
1. WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GANDER IS GOOD FOR THE GOOSE.
At a time when companies are slashing their labor forces and freezing salary increases, and when some employees are being asked to take lower-paying positions, it is deeply unethical for leaders to retain their sky-high compensationand to expect enormous bonuses. They should follow the example of Michael Kneeland, CEO of United Rentals, who recently asked for, and was given, a 20% pay cut. Let’s hear more reports like this one.
2. KNOW YOUR PRODUCT.
According to a recent three-part story in The Wall Street Journal, the willingness of investors to buy and sell financial products whose complexity they didn’t fully understand was one of the primary catalysts of the bust. From our current sober perspective, it seems unbelievable that self-identified experts could be involved in transactions with so much at stake and at the same time be ignorant about exactly what it is they were buying or selling, but this is what happened, and on a grand scale, no less.
Because money was being made in these deals, no one thought to question what was going on or had the strength of character to speak up about any suspicions. However, knowing your product isn’t a nicety of doing business. It is an ethical obligation-to your company, your clients, and yourself.
3. WINNING (AT ALL COSTS) IS FOR LOSERS.
Most of us were taught that we should treat people the way we’d like to be treated ourselves. However, too many business leaders have failed to take this seriously. Instead, the guideline seems to be, “Get all you can by any means necessary.” Look at credit-card companies that charge exorbitant interest rates, changing customers’ fees without telling them why. These companies defend such practices on the grounds that they will lose their competitive edge if they don’t play hardball.
This kind of leadership is shortsighted, unfair, and ultimately bad for business, since the consequences will be more federal regulation and oversight. Good leaders know that if they don’t regulate their businesses themselves, someone else will.
4. TELL THE TRUTH.
A leader has an ethical obligation to be honest with stakeholders about issues that directly concern them. One of these issues is the leader’s own health. Consider the recent 10% drop in Apple stock after CEO Steve Jobs announced that he was taking a five-month medical leave of absence. Because Jobs battled pancreatic cancer several years ago, there was speculation that his cancer had returned, even though Jobs had announced earlier that he was merely suffering from a “hormone imbalance.” While stockholders may have punished Jobs for his announcement, he did the right thing in saying he was taking a leave for medical reasons. There is no shame in being ill, and true leadership involves being forthcoming about one’s illness-and anything else that can affect the flourishing of the organization.
5. PREVENT HARM.
When you can reasonably foresee that a decision is likely to hurt people and you make that decision anyway, you’re being both irresponsible and stupid. For example, subprime mortgage lenders and brokers who lend money to people likely to default are enriching themselves at the expense of the rest of us, since the federal government may be called upon for financial rescue.
What such predators don’t realize is that in the long run, their practices will come back to haunt them in the form of bankruptcy filings, bad PR, and perhaps even prison time for the worst offenders. The good leader recognizes that preventing harm to clients and company alike is both an ethical responsibility and a wise business policy.
6. DON’T EXPLOIT.
It is easy to take advantage of a situation for financial gain, but doing so isn’t consistent with good leadership. After Hurricane Ike hit last year, the wholesale price of gasoline shot up, which was nothing more than price gouging.
In the short run, companies that exploited a natural tragedy may have profited financially, but the long-term negative consequences are real and significant: In New York State, for example, more than a dozen companies were fined more than $60,000 for unfair business practices following Hurricane Katrina. Of course, the reason to do the right thing is simply because it is the right thing to do. But it is also true that taking the low road can be harmful professionally and personally.
7. DON’T MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN’T KEEP……
…and keep the promises you make. There are rare circumstances in which we not only have a right but an ethical obligation to break a promise, but generally speaking, we have a strong duty to be true to our word. This is, after all, one of the primary ways that we show our respect to people. Recall that last March, Dr Pepper said it would give out free cans of soda to “everyone in America” if Chinese Democracy, the long-overdue album from Guns ‘n’ Roses, came out by the end of the year. When Axl Rose surprised the music world by releasing the album in November, the beverage company was unable to deliver a soft drinksto everyone who wanted one (Whether it’s ethical for a band that has only one of its original members to call itself “Guns ‘n’ Roses” is another matter.) Good leaders are careful to make only those promises they are likely to keep and keep the promises they do make. When they are unable to keep those promises, they own up to it, which brings us to the next rule of good leadership:
8. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR MISTAKES.
Transparency and accountability should be the new buzzwords. This means, in part, that business leaders who make mistakes should apologize to those they have let down and do whatever is necessary to make amends. In the wake of the toy industry’s lead-paint scare in 2007, Mattel CEO Robert Eckert took the high road and told a Senate subcommittee that the company failed “by not closely overseeing subcontractors in China whose toys didn’t meet U.S. safety standards,” and that Mattel was working with the Consumer Product Safety Commission to ensure that these products would be safer. It must have been extraordinarily difficult for Eckert to apologize publicly, but by finding the courage to do so, he demonstrated ethical leadership.
9. PEOPLE, NOT PROFITS.
We often recite-incorrectly-President Calvin Coolidge’s statement, “The business of America is business.” (What he actually said was, “The chief business of the American people is business.”) But far more important is what followed that statement: “Of course the accumulation of wealth cannot be justified as the chief end of existence.” Coolidge’s policies are often blamed for bringing about the Great Depression, but if enough people had heeded the latter statement, perhaps our history would have been different. Money has no intrinsic value; it is good only for what it can get us. For the good leader, this means that the ultimate goal in business-and life-is not hoarding riches but making things better for all, especially the neediest.
10. BE KIND, NOT KING.
The relentless quest to be No.1 can blind us to what’s really valuable in life: being a decent human being. Yes, good leaders are enthusiastically devoted to accomplishing their mission, but this pursuit cannot be at the expense of the well being of others. For example, leaders with the unenviable task of letting people go will avoid taking the easy way out . No one likes being the bearer of bad news, but the good leader does so with the dignity that leadership of the highest order demands.
BONUS RULE: YOU ARE NOT YOUR CAREER.
It’s admirable to be passionate about your job, but passion can easily become obsession, and that’s where the danger starts. When your life’s work becomes your life, it is time to take a step back and reevaluate your priorities. I’ve already shown why you ought to take vacations andstay home when you’re sick. More critical than either of these is recognizing what’s really important in life-and it’s not your career, no matter how satisfying that may be. Good leaders not only make room for family, friends, and spirituality; they know these are the things that truly make life worth living.
It should be obvious by now that the above rules apply not just to those in the financial sector but to everyone else, too. They are, after all, based on the five fundamental principles of ethics: Do No Harm, Make Things Better, Respect Others, Be Fair , and Be Loving. As Peter Drucker pointed out, it is not enough to do things right; we must also do the right things. The good leader today is concerned not only with getting from A to B, but with deciding whether B is worth getting to in the first place.
Dr. Bruce Weinstein is the public speaker and corporate consultant known as The Ethics Guy. His new book, Is It Still Cheating If I Don’t Get Caught?, (Macmillan/Roaring Brook Press) shows teens how to solve the ethical dilemmas they face. For more information, visit TheEthicsGuy.com.
This article originally appeared on Businessweek.com on January 30, 2009 as part of Dr. Weinstein’s regular column, “Ask the Ethics Guy”. It was reprinted with the expressed permission of Dr. Weinstein.